Was thinking about how some writers have a process where they edit as they go--like, they write two pages every day, and those two pages must be perfect before they can quit for the day and be ready to move on tomorrow. I am doing a version of that at the moment, but against my will, and it won't last.

But I was also thinking about this ms, and starting mildly wondering what would have to happen for it to ever have even a chance of paying off all the hours of time put into it. I thought, well, maybe if it won a Newbery and a NBA and got made into a bestselling movie...and then I realized, even then, it probably wouldn't pay off. In business terms, it's a terrible investment. I probably passed the point of getting minimum hourly wage for the time put into this a couple of years ago. It will never pay off.

So I thought, this is what you call doing something for the love of it. Except (I thought) how can it be love when so much of the time is spent lost and in despair and feeling not-so-great? I don't know, but it is. In this case, working on something that is often painful and will never pay back the time put into it, in any fashion, whether it be money or some more emotional reward, is worth it. I have no idea why. It's kinda sick, if you think about it.