No writing of my own, of course. I've got to get on the stick and finish up some w-f-h today, then I need to get a &*$@! real-people job*, because tutoring is over for the summer. I hate real-people jobs. Even if they're relatively painless and even rewarding, they take away writing time as well as the down time needed for creativity.

Was thinking today about how much harder and longer I have to work to cover the same ground as some writers. Some writers' first drafts are complete and readable and make sense and are salable. I have work my @ss off, usually over a much longer time, to get that kind of a "first" draft. I was thinking that the fact that I have to work harder and longer probably means that I have less natural talent. But I don't care.

Thinking about it further, I guess I have a fierce protectiveness of lack of natural talent. Some of it comes from thinking I was stupid in math all through elementary and middle school, and even in high school when I finally started making good grades. It didn't occur to me till college that I was halfway intelligent and that there was no reason a halfway intelligent person shouldn't be able to do math if they were willing to work hard and put more effort into it than people with natural math talent. So I minored in math and got a teaching certificate in it. I bring this same mindset to my tutoring: I am determined that every kid can do this, they just may have to work harder at a particular kind of thinking, or else figure out a way to get around it. Everyone has things they're good at, things that come easily; everyone has things they have to forge through or work around. It sucks if the thing that's hard for you is something society grades you on, but let's admit the suckage and move forward.

And then I guess that initial protectiveness got multiplied by having special needs kids who think differently. If you think differently, you aren't less than anybody else. However, you may have to take the long way round to get something under your belt. You may have to see other people--maybe even most other people--taking the short way round. Doesn't matter. You take your way, and do what you have to do.

So, I think I'm not just saying I don't care to cover up the sad truth that I really do care. I think I really don't care, at least most of the time. I suppose I care when the writing's going badly and I'm in despair. And it could be that all this is me protesting too much. But mostly I think all this is me trying to avoid doing my w-f-h, which is extremely stupid because the deadline is tomorrow morning.


*jobs that have nothing to do with writing