Printed out first 40 or so pages and started going over them. (Yes, again.)


Concerns:

Do I find myself skimming as I read because it's not grabby enough--or because I've read it three million times already?

Is it too fairy-tale-ish in tone?

Does it get too glib in Chapter 3? (I already know the answer to this one: Yes.)



Non-concerns:

It flows okay.

Most of the backstory could possibly be in the right place for now.

Most of the description isn't tripping me up.



Things to think about:

That girl character needs to be a human being, not a piece of cardboard.

Maybe look at fairy-tale-overtone words (princess, palace) and consider whether any other terms will do.


Hmm. I think developing the girl character (even though she's a hundred yards away and doesn't say anything) will also do away with of much of the glibness, and maybe even some of the fairy-tale overtones. Not sure what to do exactly, though. Must think.