No writing. Met a w-f-h deadline, then took today off. Tomorrow, must dive back into w-f-h for next deadline.

Was thinking about former GN. It's almost as if the climax of the book takes place after the book is over. It's just a strange ms, that's all there is to it. I keep thinking I need to fix it, make it more like a book is supposed to be, but then I think no, the point is to stick to the quiet, behind-the-scenes, mostly internal stories that have belonged to women and girls for centuries. If I try to make this something else, that's like admitting only men's stories are important. And I can't do that.

My job is to do right by this story. It's not to get the thing sold, it's not to teach a lesson, it's not to wow anybody. It's just to tell the thing the way it needs to be told, to the best of my ability. What that means, basically, is accepting failure. I have to accept that the whole thing may tank, that the gap between what's in my head and what other people see may be so large that it's embarrassing. I have to make it all about what's on the paper; I have to try to get what's on the paper as close as possible to an ideal form for this story, these characters, these ideas and questions.

Of course, the problem is that I have no clue what the ideal form is, and it could be that I got off track early on so it can never work--or that I'm just not a good enough writer to do this particular task justice. But still, my job is to keep at it in good faith, because in the end it's all about the book--about doing right by the book. Everything else is out of my control--the only thing I can guarantee is tireless work in good faith, trying to do right by the book.